I am not sad.

I am not sad

I am not even melancholic

But now and then I turn transparent

And I grieve

I grieve collectively

For all the nights I have cried through

For all the mornings I couldn’t get out of bed

For all the smiles I never smiled

And all the laughs I never had

All the moments when I thought of you

You…

Who are you?

You come to me with a new person every time

And then you turn away

I can’t make you care

I can’t make you love

I can’t make you stay

I think you are broken

Into a million pieces

And I’ll never have you whole

And when the last bit of you meets me

I’ll shatter into a million pieces too

Because you are killing me

Slowly

Every time you come with another man to me.

WE LOST

                                                                     Artwork EGON SCHIELE

You are broken

I am exhausted 

Should we let this pass?

You are wounded 

I am bleeding

We'll let this pass

You walk away

I am still standing here 

This will pass

You want real

I am only fake

It was meant to pass

You are still in love

I am an empty sound

Everything passes

You lost and then you lost again 

I am lost

We lost

Was this always a lost battle? 

Was this a battle? 

I don't fight anymore 

I don't bulldoze people's walls

I am done

How would you know? 

You never asked 

You let it pass.

But I feel you inside me

Passing by

Like a bullet

Like a bat

Like a thought

I'll let you pass. 

Tere Naam

Sathi ye tere naam
Mere Alfaazon ki udhedbun
Ye aadhi raat ka jalta hua chand
Tere naam

Mere tanhayi ki siyaahi
Se likhe hue khat
Jinpe ashqon ki cheetein hai
Ye rangon ki keechad
Tere naam

Wo duphairein jo bachpan mein guzar gayi
Shaamein jo abhi aayi nahin
Aur ek wo subha ka laal sooraj
Jo saath dekha tha humne
Tere naam

Mere dard bhi tere naam
Aur wo raatein jo maine soke kaat di
Unke khwaabon ki roshni
Wo bhi tere naam

Tere khaali haathon ka khalipan
Teri awaaz mein chupa ruasa sa pal
Apni zulfon mein pehna hai maine
Mere kaakulon ke jangal
Jo tere hijr mein jal rahe hain
Unke jugnuon ki chamak
Tere naam

Wo samundar ka kinara
Jispe hum Kabhi mile nahin
Uspe aati hui lehron ki jumbish
Patharon ki cheekhein, jinpe
Waqt ke thapedo ki tarah padta hai paani
Unke geele jism
Tere naam

Dost, Azeez, Anjaan Aadmi

Mujhe nazmein kehna Acha lagta hai
Aksar dar jaate hain log
Alfaazon ki tapish se

Acha lagta hai kehna
Ke tumhe na dekhun
To rooh fana hojayegi
Acha hai
Sachcha nahin

Pagle
main to bas ek shayar hun
Meri zindagi mein naye log nahin
Nayi nazmein aati hain
Aur aise hi saans aati hai mujhe

Ab wo chauraha hai
Jahan chahe to koi baith jaye
Na chahe to apni raah jaye
Main akeli Hi baithi hun
Ab aisa shayad mushkil hi hoga
Ke tu jaaye aur main tere peeche chal dun

Yaqeen nahin manoge tum
Aise samajh aate ho mujhe
Jaise taaron ka banna
Kaise bante hain, pata hai
Kyun, pata nahin

Tumhara dar
Tumhari jhijhak
Tumhara gussa
Tumhari nafrat
Tumhare dil mein bhara hua pyaar
Jispe jaane kiska naam hai
Sab utar aate hain akhon mein meri

Par main nahin jaanti
Agar mere andar itna zabt hai Ab
Ke tumhe seene se laga lun
Aur is tarah se tumhara maatha chumu
Ke tum jaan jao
Ab bhi hai koi tumhare Yaqeen ke qaabil
Itne araamse uthaun tumhare tukdon ko
Itne pyar se jodun tumhare dil ko
Tamanna hai meri

Kya bulaun tumhe
Dost, azeez, anjaan aadmi
Mere Toote dil ko bhi to koi jode
Mere dar ko bhi to koi jaane
Meri tanhayi ka koi to humsafar bane

Sun Rise

I met a man in the hills

He was in pain, I could see

I could see through his frenzy

and the cold day he carried within

He came from a time before

Before the world was small

His hair was wavy

and smile real

I wanted to look in to his eyes

but I was scared 

Terrified that I would see

some colour of despair

I wanted to hold his hand

but he was busy strumming

As the sun rose in to the red blues

he sang yellow to me

He is special

we all know that

his light

we all can see

but the brighter he burns

the darker his nights must be

So full he is

of the little that he knows 

A child he will always be

And breathless he leaves me 

when he begins to talk

I have a sudden urge

to kiss his mouth shut

and run my fingers

through his old world hair

Tere naam ki kavita

Ye tere naam ki kavita hai
Tera naam
Jo aur naamon jaisa nahin
Atyant vichitr
Atyant anokha
Atyant nirala

Kambakht! bhulaya bhi nahin jaata
Kabhi sochti hun
Tere jism ki khushbu kaisi hogi
Aur Teri hasi ki awaaz
Atyant uljhaate hain mujhe ye khayal

Aur uljhaatein hain kuch sawal
Jinke jawab kabhi bane hi nahin
Par khwaab wo gufa hain
Jinke atyant andhere mein
Jo chahe dekhlo
Jugnu, sher ki aakhein, kankaal khopdiyaan,
Bina sawal, bina jawab

Kaisa lagta tera naam pukarna
Ek kamre se dusre kamre mein
Ya chillana atyant zor se
chakkar khate hue pahadon ke Kono se
Atyant ajeeb 

Aur jab tu chuta mujhe
Meri tez chalti saanson mein
Kaise leti main naam tera
Atyant ahista se
Atyant bikhre hue alfazon mein
Atyant pyaar se
Atyant mein

Through your telescope, my love.

In June, look West my love

Look as they find each other

Venus and Jupiter

In June, look south my love 

As we drift apart

further away

From each other

Today is the end of the month

My love

Tonight they shall kiss each other

Venus and Jupiter

Tonight we shall lie in our beds 

And not think of each other 

Fated to never speak

Fated to never meet

Today is the end of our season 

My love

Tonight the stars will celebrate 

The slow walk to a fleeting embrace 

As they put their arms around each other

Venus and Jupiter

And in the blink of an eye

They will be on their way

Putting a respectable distance 

Between each other

Venus and Jupiter

I, 

I will stare at the sky

For a few nights to come 

I will bury your name

In some constellation

You and I 

We are not like Venus and Jupiter 

In the month of June my love

We are a sad sad story 

Without a fleeting embrace 

Without a month 

Without a night 

Without a promise 

Without a romance

Without a heartbreak 

Without ever knowing 

Each other

The need for mundane love

There is a street, a cobbled one
Where light falls on your face
And we stand next to each other
Sharing a cigarette

There is a pool, dark and deep
Where you dive in
And we swim by each other
Without touching

There is a restaurant, with a special corner
Where we always sit
And I make boats of tissues
While you read

There is shade on our bedside
That keeps saying yellow
While I drift off
To the sound of your  breath
Everyday

I want to feel done
I want to feel numb
Not even guilt
For walking out on you

I want to love you
So mundane and regularly
I want to us to be so basic
A cliché, a boring story

I want to sit across a table
And not even realise
That we don't talk anymore

I want to sleep next to you
For years and years
And not be touched
Or touch you

I want you like a habit
I need you like a rotting  disease
So that I can
Break up
And move on

But for all this
I need to meet you
I need to like you
I need to love you
I need to adore you
I need to need you

ROOM IN NEW YORK, 1932    
Artwork by

Edward Hopper

Taareekh (history)

Seedhe  mein zakhm hain
Aur ulte mein veeraney
Judi hain hatheliyan ye abhi
Tootenge lekin ek din ye yaraney

Rooh ki banjar gehraiyon se aati hai awaz
Suno ghaur se ye cheekh
Sannate mein lipti hui

Mere dil ki zameen pe chorh gaye badshah kayi
Toote hue khandar
Girti hui deewarein



Artwork by
NewToolBox

To love or to lust...

On a day like this
When the heart is conflicted
To love
Or to lust
As cold breeze blows
And the clouds gather
The rain drops weighing down the sky
And you wait for that moment
When the sky will open
Like his mouth
And touch his tongue to yours
When drizzle will turn to sheets
And then to cats and dogs
For the harder it hits the ground
The closer you come to climax
Your skin soaking
And vision blurred
Or you may just choose to sit
Under the shade
As the sky opens
Like a memory
And just in a bit
You can't hear, you can't see
Anything else but that feeling
That feeling that you are all alone
And there is someone, somewhere
With a strong cup of tea
Who stares in to nothing
And feels the same
Though your heart wants to love
But Your mind lusts
And then you imagine
A day
When the sky opens
Like a flower
And high on love
You lust
As lines of water drill in to your skin
You are in your own love lust frenzy
Till then
On a day like this
The heart is conflicted.

Hula Hoop

Spread me out in the rain
Knead my back
Let me feel your weight

With the flat of your hand
Tap me lightly
Unroll my legs

And don't stop
Till I am spread out
Like a squished frog

Dip your finger in my navel
And twist it slowly
Raise your arm up in the air
And swirl me
Like a fan in the football field

Tie my legs to my hair
Make a loop
Wear me like a wreath
Twirl me like a hula hoop

Wear my skin
Drink my blood
Speak in my voice
My own words

Come to me
With all your pain
Let me waste you
In a lowly lane

Let's be the
Saddest
Most
Pathetic
Tormented
Hideous
Souls

Let's be together
Right now
Till it rains

There is no forever
Never
Ever

Rain Ruined Relationship

As the rain falls outside
On the street in front of my house
On the plants outside my room
On the empty tea cup next to the old chair
There is only one thought on my mind
You
I want to ruin this sound for you
Forever
I want to travel with you on a bed
While it rains
I want to take your face in my hands
I want to brush my lips to yours
While it rains
I want to give you so much pleasure
While it rains
I am already past when I say this
I am past us not being together
I am past pain
And this thought is my only pleasure
That this sound
Pitter patter
Turns a switch in you
That your insides ache
Every time the clouds gather
This will be my memento
My moment
When I will still be with you
After all the heart break
At this moment you can turn around and say
Woman you are crazy
Coz we haven't even met yet
And I will say
Duffer
This is how much I desire you
That I devised a plan to stay on
Because I know we will meet
And then part ways
I want you to look up at the grey sky
and think of me
I want you to see the clouds
And feel the sheets
Every time a drop falls on you
I want you to remember the taste of my lips
I want to ruin rain for you
Forever
And you can ruin something for me too
But I choose rain
Because that's how you make me feel
Like dust and dirt
Kissing the first rain of summer
I promise you
A
Rain ruined relationship
This
I promise

I am cloud

This isn't a volcano top
It's my navel
And inside
Blisters hot lava
Bring your lips to the smoke
And drink me up
Later
When you sit, legs folded, in meditation
I'll lick your red hot throat

The hummingbird hangs
On my parted lips
Relentlessly
It goes on
Catch it between your fingers
And push it in
Break it's neck like a twig

My skin folds and piles
And from between my breasts
They arise
Marching in a line
One after the other
Little ants
Queen deprived
Blow on them
And don't be gentle
Turn them in to a heap
On my thighs

The hyenas they eat my guts
Their ears all pricked up
They think me dead
Till the moment I sit up
As they scramble away
I am left hollow inside
Hunt them down for me
Cut them up
Before they digest my intestines

In this magic show
I am levitating
My hair hangs above the ground
Master is feeling me up
His hands caress my behind
Do your trick
Make him disappear
And one by one
Let the curtains fall

Look at me
I am floating no more
I am cotton candy
I am cloud

My love
Till the ground
Scatter the seeds
Erect the scarecrow
Watch the birds shit in fright
And one morning
The cloud will be alive
Thunder and lightning
And grey grey skies
Then it will rain, all night

With the first drop
That hits the ground
Will spring forth our fragrance
And I'll be in your arms
Biting your lips
Till they bleed
With all my might
while it rains, all night








Artwork by Shailendra Sahu

:(

I found an old poem today
I had written it years back
On this very day

This day that never ends
The night that never descends 

How long will I live in that afternoon
How long will it take for me to flip the calendar

Why is it that I don't feel time
Why does it still feel like today
That day
and when I crack jokes
My hands turn heavy
They weigh me down
I laugh
And sink in to the ground

I doubt if I will ever see night to that day, today
I doubt if I will ever recover

Have you ever had a day like that,
That changed you forever?
But
In the afternoon of that day
You felt warm and safe
You had no clue what was to follow
And you whipped out your pen
And made some rhymes
Two years later
You are still in that room
Still in that hollow

Only now you know you died that day
Every last breath snuffed out of you
And only now you know that you are waiting
In this purgatory
That is going to be the rest of your life
Only now you know what it feels like
To be wronged by a right

One day I will set fire to myself
I will protest
I want that day to end
Night to come
Stars to shine
Moon to wane
And a new morning
But
I know deep inside
In the new morning
My scars will shine bright
So bright
And then what will I do?
When everyone will see me
My pain in plain sight

If
If ever
That day ends
And night befalls
I shall be ashes
I shall be soot
Before the dawn
I will be long long gone

You Lucky Bastard

I am a cheap bukowski
A watered down version of thee
Wait, who am I kidding
Men who I have fallen for
Never have been in love with me

But poem after poem
I am throwing my hands up
Desperately
No
I am not drowning
I am stretching me

Man after man
Word after word
Rhyme after Rhyme
I turn in to a cheap bukowski

Remember when I abused you
And called you an asshole
(Which you are)
For turning your women in to couplets
Now
Be a decent man
At least try to be
And don't hold that against me

Because soon
I shall outnumber your women
With men
Who for some weird reason
Could never love me
I mean can you believe that!
You on the other hand
Went in
Came out
Of love
Every time
Every fucking time
They loved you back
You lucky bastard
Or that's what you would have me believe

You fucked your women
And then again in your poems
And here I am
Pathetic
Pathetically
Weaving serenades
To anyone
Who half looks at me

You had your cup full
So you spit in your metaphors
And I am all empty
Metaphors spitting on me

Divine intervention
That's what I need
Or maybe just another
Bad ass Mo Fo
To not love me

I am getting there
I'll beat your score
Wait for me
Bukowski
Bukowski
You lucky dog
With bitches too many 

Full of Empty

Blow on the glass
I'll appear
In your warm breath
Because empty is a process
And not a state
If you ask me

I sit behind a veil
You see only outlines
If you raised your hand to touch me
Putting your hand in an empty jar
That's how it would be

Empty like an empty drawer
Like a tree, birds all flown away
Or like an old factory,
Rusted and flooded

empty like the moon
And empty like the soundless space
Like an eye in flesh that can't see

If you enter me

You will arrive
On a platform
Where the train never comes
The wind though
Creeps in
And echoes that hollow sound
That makes desolate feel empty

You can take a walk in me
A deserted Street in the afternoon
Or the centre of a rainforest
That's me
Full of empty

If you breathe me in
I will be that tiny bubble of air
Travelling in thick blood
to your heart
Carrying my own little empty
To your soul
And I guess you know
What will happen
When I reach

I am a long montage
Without music of course
Of all the empty spaces
Ever shown in cinema
And all that you can do
Is watch me
Watch me
Me
Empty 

You Are Not A Man

You are not a man
but a promise of one

Translucent
blurred by pain

This thing that is you
I see it
In your words and when you laugh

Can I just hug you?
for a long long time
Can I cry in to your shirt?
Can I tell you the darkness of my heart?

Will you please
pretty please
let me in
because I know
it is there
A lush green garden in the desert of your being
would you please
try for me
So that I know
it is possible
to still feel

When you try to convince me
that I can't touch you
your words come drifting to me
and they tell me a different story
Of a man who is not a man
but a promise of one
A shadow of his own self
An impression of his own thumb

Listen here
you beautiful stranger
we have met for a reason
you are free to take from me what I take from you
A little solace
A moment of magic
A flicker of light

When you leave
I will know you are there
and your memory will be right here
in my heart
you can keep it too
the knowledge of me

mostly
I want to hold your hand
and make you see
the vast ocean you carry
the depth of your eyes
the better man you still are
the better man you will always be

How do I know that?
because I can see
see right in to your soul
the curse that you carry
and the gaping sucking hole
right next to your heart
oh yes sir
I see

Just an after thought
I believe you have come to me
from a life lived before
to promise me
that the next life we ever see
we will know
we will be
I will save you
and you will save me

Kya ab bhi rooh pe dhabbe hain?

Apne hi alfaz paraye lagte hain

Khush dino mein gham dino ke saaye lagte hain

Kya mujhse hi hokar nikla tha ye ehsaas?

Ye jumle jaane kiske banaye lagte hain

Tapakta hai har nazm se khoon

Maazi inke chot khaye lagte hain

Kya dard ye nikal gaya?

Alfazon mein dhal gaya?

Siyahi mein beh gaya?

Kaaghaz pe baaqi reh gaya?

Kya ab bhi rooh pe dhabbe hain?

Kisina kisi ke to ye khurant lagaye lagte hain...

Dafnaun kaise in hisso ko apne

Janazein jinke kabse aaye lagte hain.

Ek nazm mein dusri dafan 

Aur dusri mein teesri

Saari dafan kardun agar aise,

Baaki rahegi ek phir bhi.

Aap to samajh hi gaye honge

Ishq ke hum sataye lagte hain.

Kisi Shaam...

Aapse puchna hai kuch
Kuch khaas nahin
Kaisa tha aapka din?
Koi shaam hai jo yaad aati hai?
Kabhi tanha laga itna, ke ro diye?
Maa ki god mein letkar kaisa lagta hai?
Kya baap se koi narazgi hai?

Subha uth te ho to sabse pehle kya karte ho?
Mint hai tumhare toothpaste mein?
Bachpan mein kaunse cartoon dekhte the?
Ab bhi dekhte ho?
garmiyon ki chuttiyan kaise bitate the?
Koi school ki picnic jispe bada maza aaya ho?
Kuch aisa kiya tumne, jiske liye pakde jaane ke dar se, dil doobne lage?
Acha chalo yahi batado,
Doga ya nagraaj?
Champak ya tinkle?
Pinki ya chacha chowdhry?

Ddlj pasand hai tumhe?
Black and white tv pe chitrahaar dekhna yaad hai?
Antenna hila hilake cricket match dekha tumne kabhi?
Pehli baar hui pehli mohabbat mein chupke milkar pehli kiss kaisi thi tumhari?
Ishq hogaya tumhe, kabhi aisa laga?
Kisike liye kuch deewangi kabhi ki tumne?
Khaali paper pe kisika naam likh,
Ghanto uspe qalam phiraya?

Saal mein kitni baar bukhaar hota hai tumhe?
Ya khaasi kabhi?
Raat mein uthke paani peetey ho?

Zindagi se jo chahiye tha, mil raha hai?
Ye to life mein karna hi hai,
Aisi koi list hai tumhari?
Wo kaunsi jagah hai jisey dekhne ki tamanna seene mein liye ghumte ho?

Meri yaad aati hai kabhi?
Chuna chahte ho mujhe?
Mujhse lipat ke sona chahoge?
Mere haathon ki bani chai ,acha baba, chai nahin coffee,
...piyoge?

Kisi shaam ye saari baatein karoge?

Pickled Heart

A clean cut
Between my breasts
And the skin parts
Like labia
The cage beneath
Has been beaten against
Blow brittle bones
In black sticky menstrual clots
In slight tremors
Of a skipped beat
Sprouting from the flesh
An old withered tree
Lies
My rotting heart
Lies
My pickled heart.